GOING TO BE OKAY....?
by sweet-dancing-songbird
Summary: Complete post-lockdown CARBY story
1. The kiss

Disclaimer - don't own him, don't own her etc.  
  
Carter and Abby from the final scene in Lockdown, and what might happen afterwards.  
  
Just a short introduction to the whole story.  
………………………………………………………………………………………………  
  
I'm so tired. I'm so tired I almost feel drunk.  
And hot. God it's hot in here. And my hands are round the back of your neck.   
You're so close to me - too close to me, but I'm too tired to feel embarrassed.   
I'm too tired to pretend I don't want you to kiss me - to hold me…  
  
"Tell me we're going to be ok"  
  
She's so close. She looks so beautiful - like she wants me as much as I want her.  
Just kiss her.  
But it's the wrong time.  
No, just kiss her.  
"We're going to be okay"   
  
He kissed her again. Gently.   
  
......................................  
  
Looking back, she thought how funny it was really. That so many months of emotion and passion locked up, that their first kiss, the kiss should be so tender, so quiet. She remembered how she just wanted to stay in that moment, just savouring the feeling of his lips, and then afterwards, just resting her forehead on his shoulder as he rested his chin on her head, enveloping her in his arms. It was exactly what she needed, and what he needed. It wasn't the time for him to sweep her into his arms, like she'd imagined him doing, in the pouring rain, by the lake ……..   
He was holding her, comforting her, telling her he needed her as much as she needed him - telling her it was going to be okay.......  
  
.....................................  
  
END OF PART ONE - open to any comments 


	2. So lost without you

So, what happens after the kiss. Still with Abby for this chapter.  
  
.............................  
  
The alarm clock penetrated Abby's mind as she slept before the sound actually registered. Letting out a loud sleepy groan,  
she rolled over, swept the strands of hair out of her face and turned the alarm off. She walked to the bathroom and began to brush her teeth, scowling at how rough she looked in the mirror.  
It had been two weeks since the "smallpox" outbreak at County, and to Abby it seemed like months. That day, that night was like the blurry memory of a dream. How he had kissed her. How she had slept against his shoulder that night.  
Nothing had been said - there was just a peaceful understanding between them then, but the next day they were examined and then re-examined by medical officials, and then the day after, he was gone.   
All she was left with was a hasty phone message explaining that he "thought she should know" he was going with his mother to find his father. He said it was a last minute thing, and that he had to go with her, couldn't let her go on her own, he'd be "back soon", he'd "call me"  
  
It had been almost two weeks, and only two phone calls. Two messages actually. Abby realised that it was a lot harder settling for that "peaceful understanding" now that there was a thousand miles seperating them. She wished they'd talked about "them"  
  
I wish we'd talked about "us".   
I wish I'd kissed you.  
I should have held your face in my hands and kissed you, running my hands through your hair.  
At least then I'd have known, that you knew how much I wanted you.  
I wish you'd just said something like "I miss you" or "I've thought about you" on the phone.  
Then I'd know you know.  
  
Abby blocked her mind out. Thinking about Carter drove her crazy. He'd be back soon.......soon.  
  
..........................  
  
As Abby walked into the ER, she didn't smile, didn't say hi to anyone, just walked straight to the lounge to put her things in her locker, and get another endless day at work over an done with. She hated this place. Hated it because it was so empty, without him.  
  
As she walked up to the admin desk, Susan looked up made a point of saying hi. Abby smiled, said hi back, and turned to the board. Just as she was wondering whether the smile she gave Susan was convincingly friendly enough, she saw his name.  
She blinked. Overwhelmed by a mixture of fear and excitement.  
  
Oh my God, he's here.  
Oh God  
Well did you think he'd stay away forever?  
Oh God he's here  
  
Abby felt a hand on her shoulder, and turned her head slightly to see Susan Lewis pretending to scrutinise the board.  
"Did they spell it wrong ?"  
Abby, still speechless managed to get out a confused "Sorry?"  
"His name" Susan pointed at his name, and Abby looked at it again, and then back at Susan, who was just breaking into a grin  
"Abby ..... I'm kidding" Susan's smile was even wider.  
"You know he's already asked if you were here yet three times" she said in a mock serious tone.  
Abby gathered herself together, reached for her driest, flatest tone and answered  
"Who ?" flashing Susan a grin as she headed off to get changed into scrubs, and disappearing down the corridor with a smile on her face as Susan shouted  
"So I gather you enjoyed quarantine then...."  
  
Abby could barely walk down the corrider, she inwardly laughed at herself for acting like a schoolgirl, unable to get rid of this stupid grin on her face.  
Maybe, maybe they were going to be okay ..................  
  
...................  
  
END OF CHAPTER TWO  
  
any comment would be greatly appreciated  
chapter 3 will follow soon - unless i get death threats 


	3. So tell her already

CHAPTER THREE - we're with Carter on this one  
  
....................................  
  
"Chuny, I need a chest X-Ray in 3 and an ultrasound"  
Carter sighed as he shuffled through the charts at admin. He'd only been back a couple of hours and it seemed like an eternity.  
Like an eternity since he'd seen Abby. He sighed again.   
Susan appeared, picking up a chart and staring at him over the top of it. He knew she was - he could see her out the corner of his eye.  
"What ?" he asked, not even looking at her.  
"She's here" she said, watching him eagerly  
Carter looked up at Susan.   
  
She was here. Oh God........of course she was here. She works here.  
  
Pretending to look back at his chart he replied curtly   
"Who's here?"  
Susan let out a short laugh, and rolling her eyes said  
"Funny - that's exactly what she said about you"  
That caught his attention  
"She did?"  
Susan giggled "Don't you mean WHO did?"  
She started to wander off, just beginning to enjoy herself as John caught up with her  
"Susan... what did she say about me?"  
Susan stopped, and looked at him as if figuring something out.  
"Oh I get it..." she said with a coy smile on her face "What happened? - you kiss her?"  
Carter swallowed and nodded.  
"But you didn't tell her how you felt?"  
Carter swallowed again.  
"And she didn't tell you?"  
Carter just continued to look at his friend, feeling like a kid getting "put straight" by his mother.  
"And then you vanish for two weeks .... "  
Carter bit his lip and scratched his head "I admit the timing was bad....."  
"It stinks Carter"  
He just stood there, looking at her, waiting for her to tell him what to do.  
"So go talk to her already !"  
  
............................................  
  
Coffee - that's what I need. A nice dose of caffeine to wake me up, and then I'll go find her, tell her I'm madly in love with her, sweep her up in my arms, and everything will be okay.   
  
Of course it never crossed his mind that she might actually BE in the lounge.  
But there she was, standing by her locker with her back to him.  
  
............................................  
  
"Hey"  
I almost wince at how suprised I sound. God, my voice sound high sometimes.....  
She turns around, and I almost feel like I forgot how beautiful she is. I notice her hair is wavier than before.   
My hands suddenly feel clammy, and words stick in my throat - I honestly don't know what the hell to say next.  
For a second, I catch the same mixture of fear and suprise in her face, but it disappears quickly and is replaced by a stunning smile that takes my breath away.  
She never smiles like that. She should smile like that more often.  
  
I will myself to speak, but she saves me.  
"Nice sun-tan" she pops out, cheekily, cocking her head to one side.  
"I like your hair" Is the best I can do, she seems taken aback, almost embarrassed I even noticed.  
"Well I heard you had a thing about perms"  
This makes me snigger and she giggles at herself, or maybe the thought of me with a perm.   
And I know now. Right now, I know I love her. I am completely in love with you Abby.  
But does she love me?  
  
"How's your mom and dad?"  
Ouch, a subject I don't want to get into "Not good.....ah....but thankyou for asking"  
"anytime"  
  
whoah, dejavu - the night Sobricki was brought in. She asked me if I was going to be alright, and I was a bastard. I was cold, and hard, and I snapped at her.   
"but thankyou for asking" I said, as she shouted after me "anytime"  
Oh God - she's already told me how she feels. In her own way she's told me. By the river - sure, she didn't confess her love, but she was trying to get through, and i didn't make it easy for her. She told me when she put her hand against my face outside the nightclub, but I just told myself it was the drink. She told me when she tried to protect me from Sobricki, when she tried to stop me getting hurt. And what did I do? - I told her I didn't want to be her friend anymore. I told her I'd settle for someone else.  
  
Tell her the truth, tell her something, anything.  
  
"I missed you"   
she answers quickly "why?"  
She's looking at her feet now, waiting for me to say it.  
What the hell am I supposed to say?   
I don't have to say anyhing, she lets me off, she backs down.  
"Listen, John, Weaver's gonna kill me, I've got to get back to work"  
"Right, but I'll catch you later yeah?"  
"Sure"  
She walks passed me, but stops in the doorway  
"I'm glad you're back"  
I smile at her as she disappears out the door.  
  
Well that didn't go TOO badly.  
Yeah? so why the hell do I feel like I blew my chance?  
I consider putting my head through the wall, but kick the lockers instead.  
It's okay, I tell myself.  
I'll catch her later.  
It's going to be okay...............  
  
......................................  
  
END OF CHAPTER 3  
  
what do you think? - any feedback welcome 


	4. Only cause you're paying

Thankyou for all the encouraging reviews. You've all spurred me on to write another chapter.  
  
So here goes - it's moving along slowly, but I promise to add new chapters regularly.  
  
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Carter stepped onto the roof. He knew she'd be here.  
  
He caught the faint smell of cigarette smoke before he caught sight of her.  
He didn't want to disturb her, she was such a vision - arms wrapped tightly around her small frame, hair blowing in the wind.  
He'd never seen her look so alone, so fragile.   
He wondered what she was thinking  
  
.................................  
  
Abby knew Carter was behind her. She heard the door go - anyone else would have spoken by now. She pretended she didn't hear him, and she wasn't even sure why. She wondered what he was thinking, wondered when he was going to speak to her.  
She stayed like this because she wanted him to see how alone she was. She didn't want to have to pretend that she was something she wasn't - not with him.  
She wanted him to know that this was her.  
She wanted him to know she needed him.  
  
................................  
  
Carter spoke quietly, not wanting to startle her.  
"There you are ..."  
He moved so that he was standing next to her, took the cigarette from her fingers, and took a long drawn-out drag, breathing the smoke out slowly, feeling it warm his lungs. He turned around, leaning back against the wall so that he could face her, and handing her the cigarette back, smiled as he said  
"you know that's a nasty habit you've got there" still exhaling a small stream of smoke.  
Abby smiled at the irony of it, and threw the cigarette on the floor.  
"can't stop drinking and not smoke" she said matter-of-factly.  
  
So, she still wasn't drinking. That was a good sign Carter thought. As he watched her looking into space, he thought there was such a sadness about her, like she constantly carried a hidden grief around inside her.   
Right now, he found it magnetic.  
  
"Have you eaten?"  
She looked up at him, raising her eyebrows, giving him her characteristic smile  
"No...."  
He answered all too quickly  
"you wanna get some lunch, I mean my treat, we could could go to Doc Magoos, or maybe go eat by the river?"  
Abby couldn't help but smile at the sweetness of the expectation in his eyes. She wondered if he had any idea how much he could make her melt inside.  
No one had any idea.  
"well only cause you're paying"  
"well why else?" he said, taking advantage of the light-hearted moment to place his hand on her shoulder as they walked off the roof.  
  
...................................................  
  
"Has any one ever told you how beautiful you are?"  
  
Susan winced as the drunk flashed her a yellow smile and patted her ass.  
"You do that again, and I'll replace that ..... with this" she said pointing at his catheter, and then at some tubing the size of a hose pipe.  
"You just want me to get it out for you, don't you hot-stuff?"  
Susan rolled her eyes and stormed out of curtain three alongside a very amused looking Malik.  
  
"Is that the golden rule Dr. Lewis?" he said cheekily  
"is what the golden rule, Malik?" she asked, visibly trying to contain herself.  
"I mean, one warning, and then it's attack of the killer catheter?" Malik couldn't hold his laughter in any longer.  
"It's not funny"  
Malik gathered himself together, adopted a husky flirtatious tone and said  
"so techinically, I've got a "warning" to use" pretending to whip her on the ass, and then scurrying out of danger.  
"Don't make me get the hose Malik"  
  
Susan quickly pretended to be busy as Kerry Weaver stalked upto admin.  
"Hey, Susan have you seen Carter around"  
"Uuugh, yeah, he's just taken a lunch break"  
Both women looked back down at the charts infront of them. Susan, keeping her head down, shifted her eyes to look at Weaver, quickly looking back down as Weaver did the same.  
Keeping her head down, Kerry flatly asked  
"Is Abby not here"  
"Busted" thought Susan in her mind  
"Yes she's here"  
Kerry wasn't letting her off that easily. She looked up holding Susan's gaze, clearly wanting more explaination  
"hmm, she's on a break...too, Kerry" Susan didn't even bother to hide the implications in her voice.  
"I see" said Weaver curtly, and stalked off to where ever it was Susan imagined she stalked off to.  
  
Just as Susan was starting to feel guilty for landing her friends in it, she sensed a commotion in chairs.....turning around, her eyes widened in astonishment.  
Was that her drunk from curtain 3 ???  
  
"Hey, Hot-stuff, put it away before I call security!"  
  
.................................................  
  
END OF PART 4  
  
I thought I just had to get some Susan and some Kerry in cause they are great.  
I hope I managed to stay true to the characters  
  
I'd really appreciate some reviews - just to make sure i'm headed in the right direction! 


	5. I want to stay like this forever

this is THE carby moment of all time if I've written it correctly.  
hmm - if only THIS happened next season.............  
  
........................................  
  
They sat next to each other on a bench by the river. Carter had his arm draped over the back of the bench behind her. If she only knew the turmoil he was in, deciding whether or not to drop it down around her shoulders. He broke the silence.  
"This is nice"  
Abby smiled to herself, and speaking with her mouth full replied  
"mm, nothing like apple pie"  
Carter looked at her seriously, and finally putting his arm around her said  
"I wasn't talking about the food"  
  
..............................................  
  
"This is nice"  
"This is more than nice" she thought to herself.   
This was what she had waited for for so long. And here she was, sat with his arm around her, as if nothing had happened. But it had, and she knew it had.  
Then all of a sudden, she was scared.  
Scared because she knew that her and John were finally going somewhere. The idea of "them", "us" was no longer some safe distant dream. It was now a very near reality.  
God, she didn't want to mess this up.  
She always stuffed things up.  
She was here with his arm around her, and she was still the same person - still the same Abby, still the same demons.  
She couldn't mess up. Not this time.  
She suddenly realised she had never been so close to having so much to lose.  
  
...............................................  
  
You stand up, and for one horrible second I think you're walking away from me. But you don't, you stand looking at the river. And there you are again, just like on the roof - battling against unseen demons, hugging yourself as if against a storm.  
I walk up to you, turning you around  
"you want to know what I missed about you?" I ask, barely hiding the urgency in my voice ".....everything"  
You're breathing deeply "I asked you why you missed me" you whisper  
I don't even hesitate to answer "because I love you"  
I'm gripping you by the arms, I've never felt so determined before, so sure of what I want.  
You hesitate, and for a moment I'm scared I've made a terrible mistake - scared that you're messed up, scared that you don't feel this.  
My thoughts are stopped short as you raise your hand and I release your arm. The back of your hand against my cheek, and then your fingers tracing the line of my face. Your touch is electric, and the back of my neck tingles.  
And your eyes, the way you're looking at me. I can see a mixture of need and desire. It's a combination of vulnerability and desire that i can't resist.  
I let go of your arms, in a desperate action and pull you into me, kissing you hard. You wrap your arms around my neck, and I move my arms around your body, resting one on the small of your back, and the other in your hair. Oh God, this is what I've wanted for so long.   
I'm completely lost in you - completely consumed by my passion for you.   
I don't want to stop,   
I want to stay like this forever.  
  
...................................................  
  
All I can think about is how much I need you.  
I can't handle this, I can't handle being alone anymore.  
You grab me by the arms and swing me round, and I'm overwhelmed. This is what I want - I want you to kiss me John, I want to feel your arms around me.  
I know you love me - I just want you to kiss me now. I can't wait for this any longer, you don't know how much I love you, how much I need you.  
I move my hand to your face, I want you to see the desire in my eyes, I want you to see what has been inside me for so long, what you have never seen before. I'm not ashamed for you to see how much I need you............  
And you kiss me.   
Your hands are in my hair, round my waist, down my back. There's such relief in this. I let go of everything around me, wrapping my arms around your neck - kissing you with all the passion that has been locked up in me for so long. I can't think, I can't even breathe.   
I'm completely lost in you - completely consumed by desire.  
I don't want to stop.  
I want to stay like this forever.  
  
...................................  
  
END OF CHAPTER 5  
Okay - I actually feel tired after writing this!  
I know it was pretty intense, but I hope I didn't over do it.  
  
pleeease tell me what you think 


	6. I'll have to call you Sleeping Beauty

CHAPTER 6  
  
lots of carby - also introduction to abby/susan friendship which will feature strongly later on  
  
...............................................  
  
"So, does this mean you'll go steady with me?"  
Abby smiled, and leaning in for another kiss whispered  
"I'll think about it"  
She could feel his lips tighten into a smile as she kissed him, pulling away just to have him pull her back for another kiss.  
They were interupted by Carter's pager.  
  
"o oh"  
"what?"  
"It's from Susan"  
Carter held the message up for Abby to read.  
""Weaver's gunning for you both" .. oh God, I was supposed to be back half an hour ago"  
"You and me both"  
Carter smiled at Abby. She was his Abby now. Holding out his arm for her in a regal gesture he said   
"shall we ???"  
Abby played along, linking her arm with his as they headed back to the ER.  
  
.......................................  
  
As Carter and Abby entered the ER, they immdediately got busy. Carter grabbed a chart and disappeared as quickly as he could. Abby was looking for something to do as Gallant aproached her.  
"Abby, Dr. Lewis could use some help in two"  
She smiled cheerfully at him and replied  
"sure"  
  
Gallant watched her suspisciously. What was she so cheerful about all of a sudden?  
  
Abby entered trauma two to find Susan and Malik working on an elderly man.  
"Where have you BEEN ?" Susan quipped "Weaver's been after you"  
Abby avoided the question "SATS are dropping"  
"okay, low breathe sounds, we need to intubate"  
"he's crashing"  
  
.............................................  
  
Susan threw her gloves in the bin, ripped off her scrubs and headed out of trauma 2 with Abby.  
"So, where were you?"  
"If I told you, I'd have to kill you"  
"Trust me Abby, it would be worth it - just to find out what's going on with you guys!"  
"Well, lets just say, things are good"  
"Good? is that it? ..... things are GOOD?"  
"fine! - more than good, they're ... very good" Abby couldn't keep the smile off her face as she said this, her own words finally sinking in.  
"So, are you like, going out? - I mean it's not as if I even care in the slightest, it's just I've got twenty resting on you guys getting it together"  
Abby snorted "You're kidding, right?"  
"Well, yeah. I mean I do care about you guys. But no, I really did bet a twenty"  
"Then my lips are sealed" quipped Abby, raising her eyebrows  
"why for Christ's sake?"  
"Becuase you're rich enough!"  
They both laughed at this. Just as Susan turned away, Abby started.  
"Susan?"  
"hmm?"  
"oh, ah .. it's nothing"  
"what?" Susan asked, smiling as if expecting a cheeky comment from the nurse  
"we should go out sometime, for a coffee I mean, ... if you want"  
Susan smiled fondly at Abby.  
"Sure, I'd like that"  
Abby nodded and headed off down the corrider. Susan watched after her, just thinking about how wrong she'd got Abby at first. She realised that Carter was right - Abby was "complicated", but she also thought for one second what great friends they could be. What great friends they were becoming.  
  
......................................................  
  
Abby discarded her scrubs and paused for a brief second to rub the back of her neck. It had been a long day. She smiled as she thought about how differently she felt from this morning. It was funny how her whole life seemed to have changed for the better in twenty four hours. It was eight pm. John finshed at seven, and she was supposed to finish half an hour later so he agreed to wait for her. As it happened she'd got stuck in a trauma so he'd been waiting an hour up to now. Abby entered the lounge quietly to find him sat on the couch, his head propped on one side, fast asleep. Abby laughed through her nose at the sight - he looked like a baby. Quietly, she sat down beside him, stroking his face and brushing his hair back.  
"John...." she whispered "John .... wake up" He didn't even stir.  
"Carter !"  
He woke with a start, making Abby laugh again.  
"What time is it?" he asked groggily  
"eight o clock"  
Carter looked confused  
"What have you been doing?"  
Abby smiled, putting her hand to his face and moving closer to him.  
"Watching you sleep"  
"For half an hour?" Carter smiled as the distance between them was getting smaller. Abby pulled back quickly, pretending to lose interest.  
"No, I got stuck in trauma"  
"Oh"  
Abby moved closer again, this time much closer so that her lips were almost touching his, her hands behind his head  
"You look lovely when you sleep, I'll have to call you sleeping beauty"  
She moved in to kiss him when he put his hand to her mouth, stopping her  
"Are you coming on to me, Nurse Lockhart?"  
Her look changed from one of annoyance into that smile. That smile that took his breath away.   
"you betcha"  
And they kissed, and nothing was lost.   
There was still the same passion, still the same urgency.   
They pulled apart slowly.  
"do you want to come back to my place?" Her voice was tender, almost unsure. He looked at her intensly, his eyes shining with desire.  
"Come on" he said, taking her hand firnly, kissing it, and leading her out of the lounge.  
  
........................................................  
  
END OF CHAPTER SIX  
  
Hope this is okay - as the story gets longer it's hard not to lose the plot / over do it / go off on a tangent.  
  
I always appreciate reviews - helps me to get the next chapter up 


	7. Fifety dollars richer

CHAPTER 7  
  
thankyou for all the positive feeback!  
  
here's chapter 7 for you all - although I admit it's short  
  
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Carter opened his eyes and squinted against the morning sunlight. He's been awake for ages, but didn't want to open his eyes in order to save the pleasure of actually seeing her asleep in his arms.  
There she was - her back facing him, his arms wrapped around her waist and his head leaning against the back of hers. He breathed in the scent of her hair, watching her sleep deeply. He moved slightly to hold onto her more firnly, and she swivelled round in her sleep, burrying her head in his neck, breathing hard against his shoulder and gripping his chest. He was delighted by her movements, the way she clung to him, even in her sleep. He couldn't remember a time he'd been more satisfied, more peacful in his life. Even as she slept he began to kiss her shoulder, just savouring the feeling of her skin.   
"Abby....Abby, wake up" he whispered, selfishly wanting her attention  
Abby woke up to the feeling of his lips against her shoulder. If they hadn't made love all night, she'd certainly dreamt about it. She had never felt so secure, so safe than right now, in his arms.  
"Abby .... Abby, are you awake baby?"  
"I am now" she giggled into his shoulder. "What time is it?"  
"six o clock"  
"uurgh ... six o clock ?" she moaned "I'm not on till nine"  
"then we've got plenty of time" he whispered, capturing her lips and pulling the duvet over them.  
  
......................................................  
  
"What time are you off?" she asked as they walked towards the ER entrance  
"Not till eight ...you???"  
"Six ...... listen...how about I cook us some dinner?"  
"You can cook?"  
"Course I can cook!"  
Just as they were about to walk through the main entrance, Carter grabbed her and swung her to one side.  
"Did I ever tell you you rock my world?"  
"Not in so many words...."  
Carter cut her short, kissing her passionately.  
"Hey, that's enough, clock in, and get busy!"  
Carter and Abby broke apart at the sound of Weaver's voice behind them.  
"I shouldn't need to tell you two, there's work to be done."  
Kerry couldn't help but smirk at her self as she walked into the ER leaving behind a very shocked, very flustered Carter and Abby. She couldn't have planned it better if she'd tried.  
  
.............................................................  
  
"So.....are you gonna tell me, or am I gonna have to ask?"  
"Hugh?" replied Abby, suddenly brought back to the present  
"Abby! - you've been living in your own little world for the past twenty minutes!"  
"Oh, I'm sorry Susan, I didn't mean to be rude."  
"Let me guess .... does this have something to do with a certain tall, dark, handsome guy going by the name of John Carter?"  
Abby smiled  
"Is it that obvious?"  
Susan sniggered.  
"You could always write a sign"  
"We don't have to .... Weaver caught us this morning"  
Susan choked, spat her coffee back into her mug, and covered her mouth with her hand, giggling.  
"Oh my God, - you're kidding right?"  
Abby couldn't control herself any longer, finally losing it herself  
"No"  
The two women sat their laughing, both as red as each other, hands covering their mouths and shaking their heads.  
Susan wiped the tears from her eyes.  
"Well that HAS to make it official"  
Abby smiled.  
"Congratulations, you're twenty dollars richer!"  
"fifety"  
"what?"  
"I lied - I'm fifety dollars richer"  
Abby let this sink in, just before her and Susan collapsed into fits of laughter again.  
  
...............................................  
  
END OF CHAPTER SEVEN  
  
I know it's short - but I'm not going to rush the story  
  
I LIVE for feedback :) 


	8. Oh no - not the mother

CHAPTER 8  
  
  
......................................................  
  
Dr. Weaver finished examining the little girl, and gave a list of instructions to Abby. As she went to leave the roomed, she stopped as if suddenly remembering something, and turned to face Abby.  
"Oh, Abby, I was meaning to ask how John is doing"  
Abby smiled slightly at the mention of his name.  
"He's err running a fever and he's still vomiting." Abby shook her head "You'd think he was dying"  
"Yes, well, that's men for you" Kerry smiled tightly and exited the exam room.  
As Abby drew blood from the patient she was imagining him at home of the sofa, a duvet wrapped around him, puffy eyes and a pained expression on his face. He was such a baby, she thought.  
  
Two months had passed since Abby and Carter had got together. Everyone was settled with idea of them as a couple. In fact, it was impossible to see them in any other sense. They were inseparable. The nurses had often discussed whether or not they'd last, and they didn't even start a pool because secretly, everyone hoped they'd make it.  
"If you ask me girl, we'll be hearing wedding bells soon..."  
"I dunno Haleh, it's been what? - two months? I mean just look at Doug and Carol ... "  
"Well, I say these two are in for the long hawl"  
Chuny rested her chin on her hands and nodded.  
"I hope so - things have been happy around here for a change"  
"You ask me, a wedding's just what we all need"  
"Maybe Weaver and Sandy Lopez should tie the knot"  
Haleh raised her eyebrows.  
"Now that WOULD be something"  
  
The nurses were interrupted as a middle-aged, attractive woman walked upto the desk. She had an air of respectability about her, which immediately ruffled Haleh's feathers  
"Excuse me, I'm wondering if you could help me, I'm looking for Abigail Lockhart. I believe she's a nurse here"  
Haleh eyed the woman suspiciously.  
"I'll go get her - who should I say's asking?"  
"Eleanor Carter, thankyou"  
Haleh turned away, catching Chuny doing her "Oh my God!" face. Haleh pulled her "I know exactly what you're thinking" face back, and went to find Abby. She was going to enjoy every minute of this.  
Abby was in curtain 3 with Susan and Gallant. Haleh popped her head round the curtain, and coyly remarked  
"Abby - there's someone to see you"  
Abby looked up from what she was busy doing, and looked back down quickly  
"Who?"  
"Eleanor" Haleh was going to milk this for all it was worth.  
"Eleanor? Eleanor who?"  
Haleh spoke very swowly;  
"AKA ...... MRS Carter"  
Abby's head snapped up.  
"What? ....here???"  
"that's what I said" and with that, Haleh slipped away quietly, congratulating her self on her little drama.  
"Oooooh, someone's in trouble"  
Abby looked at Susan who was very clearly also enjoying herself.   
"Well, go on. Don't want to keep your future mother-in-law waiting..."  
"Maybe I could slip out the back" Abby replied heading towards the door. "Wish me luck"  
Abby left the room.   
"You'll need it" muttered Susan to herself.  
  
.............................................................  
  
"Mrs Carter?"  
"Abby, how nice to see you again. And please, call me Eleanor."  
"So, how can I help you?"  
"I wondered if I might buy you lunch, if that's possible?"  
"mmm, sure, I'll just get my coat"  
Eleanor smiled and nodded at the younger nurse. She could see why John would like her. Although she had always imagined her son with a tall blonde on his arm, this young woman had a dark, sad beauty and a depth of character and intelligence which added to her attractiveness.  
  
The two women sat in the window of Doc Magoos. Eleanor looked very out of place in the cafe, and Abby felt uncomfortable to say the least as they sat in silence.  
"I suppose you want to know why I'm here."  
Abby affirmed this with a weak smile.  
"Well, firstly, I don't want you to think I'm here to intimidate you, or to be the interfering mother...."  
Eleanor smiled at this.  
"You obviously care about John, and I know he cares very much for you. And I also know if I left it to John, I'd never get to even meet you, let alone get to know you"  
Abby was listening intently, sure that there was a catch somewhere.  
"So, I am here simply to invite you to dinner tomorrow evening, if that is convenient of course."  
Abby could barely hide the suprise in her voice.  
"I would, I mean I'd like to, but John's still unwell ...."  
"I know ... I thought you could come alone. He would probably get in the way anyhow, thinking he'd need to protect you from me"  
Eleanor laughed again. Abby couldn't tell if she was laughing at herself, or at everyone else around her.  
"How does seven o clock sound?"  
"Err, that sounds fine" Abby realised that this women had an incredible way of somehow getting what she wanted.  
"Good. I'll see you then. Now, I hope you'll excuse me but I've got a meeting to attend"  
Abby stood up as Eleanor did. Eleanor reached out and shook her hand.  
"It was lovely meeting you again Abby"  
And with that, she was gone. Abby sat back down, lost in her own thoughts, and wondering what the hell she was gonna wear tomorrow evening.  
  
...............................................  
  
END OF CHAPTER 8 


	9. Never going to be okay

CHAPTER 9  
  
I suppose this is where the "drama" side begins.  
You know it couldn't stay happy for too long, right?  
  
.............................................................  
  
Susan sat on the couch in the lounge, drinking her coffee and reading through a magazine.   
"So how'd it go with the Ice Maiden?" she asked, looking up at Abby who was leaning against the side. Abby swallowed her last mouthful of coffee, and put her mug on the side.  
"Okay .... I think. She's seems a lot nicer than I remember"  
Susan sneered playfully  
"I never met the mother - although the grandmother was bad enough. So, what did she want? to warn you off? I mean with you being rampant gold-digger and all"  
"Actually, she invited me to dinner tomorrow .... on my OWN"  
"VERY diplomatic ... I take it you're going?"  
"I could hardly refuse Susan"  
They sat in a comfortable silence for a few moments.  
"You scared?"  
Abby smiled at Susan.  
"terrified"  
"I'd be fleeing the country by now"  
"Yeah, well don't even tempt me." replied Abby, puring herself a second mug of coffee.  
  
....................................  
  
"What have we got???" yelled Susan in the ambulance bay  
"7 year old male, hit and run. Major damage to the left leg, open break - lost a hell of a lot of blood...."  
Abby didn't hear much of what Doris said. Her eyes were fixed on the face of the little boy they were wheeling in to the hospital.   
"Oh, God, I know this kid"  
"You do?" Susan looked at Abby for a second, and then began giving orders to Chuny, Haleh and Gallant.  
"Douglas, Douglas, can you hear me?"  
The little boy started at the sound of Abby's voive, struggling to focus on the woman speaking to him.  
"Douglas honey, you're at the hospital, you got hit by a car"  
"Mommy? Mommy, is that you?"  
Abby bit her bottom lip as tears threatened to fall from her eyes. She found it so painful to see the little boy so distressed, he was terrified. She couldn't believe that this was the little boy she was so fond of, the little boy she'd wished was hers, and he was in such a mess.  
"Did his mom come in with him?"  
"No, she died, months ago" Abby spoke quietly so that he wouldn't hear her. She stroked his face, trying to sooth him  
"Shhhh, Douglas, you're going to be okay, we're gonna make you better honey"  
His eyes were glassy, he was staring wildly around him, unable to focus on anything.  
"Mommy? Mommy? ... It's dark .... I'm scared ... It's dark .."  
Abby felt her heart break as his eyes rolled slowly backwards and closed. She stepped back in disbelief, watching as Susan barked orders at the team, seeing them shout words that she couldn't hear. She felt numb, watching as they shocked his little body, his chest lifting of the gurney in violent jerks. She couldn't do this, she couldn't believe this was happening. Holding the back of her hand to her mouth, Abby walked quickly out of the trauma room, tears already rolling steadily down her face. She ran up flight after flight of stairs and on to the roof. She bent over, bracing her hands on her knees, and breathing deeply. Then straightening up, she looked out over the ambulance bay, and as everything sunk in, she began to cry.  
  
........................................................  
  
Susan walked on to the roof. Abby was sat on the floor, her back to the wall, looking straight ahead. She'd been crying, but she wasn't anymore. Her eyes were bloodshot, she looked ... empty.   
Susan walked over and crouched just in front of her.  
"did he die?" her voice was flat, void of emotion.  
Susan nodded sadly  
"he'd lost a lot of blood"  
Abby nodded, determined not to cry in front of her coworker. Susan shifted, and sat next to Abby, against the wall.  
"did his father come in?"  
"no, his aunty did. He was staying with her while his dad was away on business"  
Abby went to speak, and then stopped, turning away as if fighting against herself. Susan wished she'd open up to her, and refusing to break the silence, she waited for Abby to speak.  
"I looked after him when his mom died. She'd died the night before, and nobody told him. He'd just sat in chairs all night waiting for her. It must be about four, five months ago now ... it was the day Sobricki was brought in."  
Susan remembered the day.  
"That was the worst day of my life."  
Susan was listening intently to Abby, realising that she was ready to talk.  
"You know I took him to the morgue, to see his mom. He didn't believe she was dead."  
Abby cocked her head to one side as if visualising the whole thing.  
"He said she looked like sleeping beauty..." Abby smiled at the memory.  
"He whispered something in her ear, and then he kissed her, and I remembered thinking how lucky that woman was, to have a little boy who loved her so much. And then I felt like shit - because I was jealous of a dead woman."  
Abby laughed bitterly at herself, and then looked at Susan, searching for condemnation, looking for the same hate that she felt for herself. Susan sensed this and smiled sadly at Abby.  
"What happened?"  
Abby held Susan's gaze for a second, clearly thinking something about her before she felt embarrassed. Blushing, she turned away.  
"Social services took him." Abby pushed away the painful memory of him clinging to her waist, begging to stay with her.  
"I remember" Abby looked at Susan in suprise.  
"He caused a scene, didn't want to go. I remember him screaming your name. It must have been hard."  
Abby didn't say anything for a few moments.  
"I wished he was mine" she commented, feeling selfish, hating the way her voice was full of self-pity.  
"You can still have kids Abby..."  
Abby cut her off, almost snapping at Susan  
"I don't deserve kids"  
Susan didn't know what to say.  
"Why would you think that?"  
Abby avoided the question, turning away from Susan.  
"You know, that day... it was my birthday. My ex husband, Richard told me he was getting remarried."  
"that's bad"  
"I thought so" Abby paused, as if forgetting what she had been saying  
"He told me he always wanted kids, which, you know, he might have said a few years ago cause then I wouldn't have...."  
Abby halted, unsure of whether to go on. What the hell she thought  
"...I wouldn't have killed my baby."   
Abby was struggling to hold back the tears, covering her hand with her mouth.  
"You had an abortion" It was a statement, not a question.  
"I was scared, I was depressed... I had a drinking problem........ I was worried cause my mom's bipolar. I thought that maybe I was, or maybe my baby would be....."  
Abby sneered at how pathetic she felt she was, realising that deep down, despite everything, she still hated herself for it.  
"I had an abortion Susan. My marriage was a disaster. I didn't even tell Richard."  
Abby sighed  
"I took the easy way out, and I payed the price."  
"Abby, nothing of what you went through was easy. You did what you thought was best"  
"I didn't let my baby live Susan. Douglas died - scared and alone. He came in alone and he died alone. And I got rid of my baby, and I'll never be okay." Abby's voice broke as she said these last words,  
Abby began to cry again, in quiet, muffled sobs. Susan put an arm around her and rubbed her back. She was very moved by how hurt, how wounded Abby was under everything.  
  
"... I'm never going to be okay"   
  
....................................................  
  
END OF CHAPTER 9  
  
welcome to my downhill spiral - just remember you don't get an abby without an angst   
  
hope you don't hate me for it !  
  
please review. 


	10. All over again

CHAPTER 10  
  
down and down we go....la la la  
  
i DO promise this though - ((whispering)) .... they're going to be okay ...... eventually  
but don't shout it around too much - I just don't want you to get mad and quit reading !  
  
...........................................  
  
As Abby drove home, she felt herself sink deeper and deeper into her old world of hopelessness, self-hatred and pity. She thought about John, thought about how she'd never been so happy in her life. God, she loved him - no one had even come close before. That was why she wasn't going to fight this. She wasn't going to pretend they could make it, she couldn't take that, couldn't let herself destroy them slowly. Her world took on a new sense of darkness. A world with John in it, and yet she was still the same person, still with the same pain, the same scars that never got the chance to heal. When she was with him, she felt untouchable, but even now, she could be torn apart in an instant.  
  
Everything I touch turns to dust. I destroy everything.  
I'm a bad, bad person.  
I don't deserve to be loved, It just wasn't meant to be.  
I don't deserve his love.  
I don't deserve him, and he doesn't deserve this.  
No, I'll have to end it now.  
I have to kill it, before I kill him.  
It's the only thing that makes sense.  
I just hope John can think as clearly about it as I can .....  
  
.............................................  
  
Abby turned the key in the lock, and opened the door slowly. He was right there, staring at her, waiting for her. He looked mad, he looked like shit.  
"Where have you been?! Susan called, she said you were upset."  
He looked at her, looking for a sign she was even listening to him. She seemed to look straight through him. She scared him slightly.  
"Listen, I need time to think. I want you to leave."  
John looked at her like she was insane.  
"What the hell are you talking about, have you been drinking?"  
She didn't even respond to that. She didn't get mad - he couldn't even provoke that out of her. Even worse, she spoke slowly, quietly, carefully.  
"No...I just want to be alone. I want YOU to leave me alone John."  
"No! ... I - I'm not leaving! What is going on?!"  
He was shouting now - confused, desperate.  
"fine then" she said quietly, turning around to leave.  
"No!" shouted John, grabbing her by the arms "You're not gonna do this Abby"  
"Let go of me"  
"What is wrong with you??? So a kid died - I'm sorry Abby, but it happens! You deal with it, and you move on!"  
"How can you say that?"  
"Because it's life! Because it's part of the job Abby! People die! Kids die! You should know that by now"  
He was too desperate, too upset to regret the harshness of his words.  
"You could never understand" she spat back at him  
"How can you say that? I work there too! I see it everyday! Tell me why I don't understand....tell me!"  
Abby struggled in his arms.  
"Because you've never been a mother! Because you've never lost a baby, never had to live with the guilt of killing your baby because you didn't want it, because it wasn't convenient at the time...."  
  
"....because you don't look at every child that dies in that hospital and feel like somehow, your baby died all over again."  
  
Abby stopped, and breathed, her lips trembling, on the verge of breaking down.  
"...because you're okay, and I'll NEVER be okay."  
With that, she shoved him away from her and left.  
  
John stood, rooted to the spot. He heard Abby drive away in his jeep. He tried to take in everything she'd said, those last words she'd whispered : "...I'll never be okay" He couldn't think straight, couldn't get his mind around what just happened.  
"God damn it!" he cursed, kicking the door shut violently, and then leaning back against it. He rubbed his face wearily with his hands, running them through his hair and over the back of his head, resting them behind his neck. He felt terrible, he felt sick and light-headed. He didn't know what to do, so he sat back down on the couch, wrapped himself in the duvet and waited - praying she'd come home soon.  
  
Hoping that somehow, everything would be okay.  
  
.......................................................  
  
Susan heard a light knocking at her door. She turned down the TV and checked her watch. It read 10pm. She wondered who the heck it could be ....  
"Who is it?"  
"It's Abby ...."  
Susan frowned as she opened the door.  
"Hey, Abby ..."  
"Hi, err I wondered if it would be okay to stop here tonight ... if it's no trouble"  
Susan looked extremely confused.  
"No, I mean sure ... but only if you're gonna tell me what happened"  
Abby raised her eyebrows and whispered "thankyou"  
Susan smiled.  
"Well get in here already, you look like crap"  
  
Abby sat down in the living room while Susan made coffee. Susan watched her from the kitchen. She looked totally withdrawn, she had the look of someone who had so much, and was perfectly willing to throw it all away.  
Susan brought the coffee in and sat down, facing Abby across the table. Abby sat there, lost in her own thoughts, her elbows resting on her knees, fiddling with her hands.  
"What's going on Abby?"  
Abby stared at her hands, seeming to detach herself as much as possible  
"I'm leaving John"  
Susan spat her cofffee back into her mug, barely hiding her astonishment.  
"What?!"  
"I told him I wanted him to leave me alone. He ... he wouldn't, so I ...I left instead"  
Abby almost sniggered at the irony of him hijacking her apartment, and her stealing his car. Susan interrupted her thoughts, putting her mug down firmly, barely hiding her irrritation.  
"Abby ... why? - why'd you do that?"  
Abby didn't respond.  
"Did you even talk to him? Does he know what happened to you?"  
"Yes .... and no"  
"Abby! - he loves you"  
Abby eyes filled up at this. She didn't want to hurt him, she loved him. Was she doing the right thing? Her thoughts then turned to Douglas, she heard his frightened voice inside her head, imagained her own child .... No, she was doing the right thing, this was the only way.  
Susan tried to check her voice, tried to remember how hurt Abby had been earlier today.  
"Abby, you ... you need help"  
Abby sneered.  
"I hate counsellors"  
"Yeah, well same here, but you've got to deal with this, properly"  
"Well, it's like I said, I'm never going to be okay"  
"Well that's a cop out if ever I heard one. You know, do you even WANT to be alright Abby, or do you just want to spend the rest of your life running away all over again? You're a big girl now"  
Abby's head snapped up. Susan cringed at the look on Abby's face. She'd hurt her. A tear rolled down Abby's cheek. She didn't want to hear this. She couldn't listen to this.  
"Thankyou for the coffee" she mumbled, then she got up and walked straight out of the door.  
"Damn it" Susan snapped at herself as she hurried to the door.  
"Abby, wait"  
Abby ignored her, got into Carter's jeep, and drove off.  
Susan sighed and closed the door. She could have handled that better. She couldn't believe what a mess Abby was.  
  
I shouldn't have judged her so quickly.  
God, I'm supposed to be her friend too.  
  
Susan thought about Abby for a while. She wondered if she might be bi-polar like her mother, but dismissed it instantly as being ridiculous. She'd never seen Abby like this before, and she'd never noticed any drastic mood swings. No, Abby had a lot of demons from her past, a lot of hurt that had never been dealt with. One thing was for sure, she needed help, and badly. She had made up her mind, she wasn't gonna just stand back on this one.  
Susan grabbed the phone and dailed the number.   
"Come on, pick up"  
..three rings ... four rings  
"Carter? ... it's Susan ... we need to talk"  
  
........................................................................  
  
END OF CHAPTER 10  
  
are you hating me yet?  
  
don't worry, I haven't forgotton the Eleanor thread - that's gonna come back in.  
Will be some serious Eleanor/Carter interaction, as well as some MAJOR drama  
  
please review 


	11. I'm coming straight over now

CHAPTER 11  
  
did you believe me when i said they'd be okay  
  
this my friends .... is a matter of trust :)  
  
.................................................................  
  
"John, you really shouldn't be here - you look terrible"  
Susan put her hand on his shoulder as they walked into the ER.  
"Well, she might be here"  
They walked in and headed straight for the lounge. John's eyes were peeled. He was looking around for her. He just wanted to know she was okay. He missed her like hell, it was the first night they'd spent apart.   
Kerry Weaver was in the lounge, putting on her lab coat.  
"Carter! you're here"  
"looks like it" he said miserably.  
"Well I hope Abby recovers as quickly"  
John's head snapped up at the mention of her name. Susan butted in to try and stop Kerry catching on.  
"oh, did you give her your virus Carter? - that was very generous"  
Carter looked at Weaver, trying to control his voice.  
"What did she say on the phone"  
Kerry looked slightly confused.  
"Just that she had a fever, she was vomiting and that she couldn't make it in today"  
John put his hands in his pockets and nodded.  
"She sounded a lot worse than you did, must be pretty bad"  
"Yeah" sighed Carter .. "Yeah, it is"  
Kerry exited the lounge leaving Carter and Susan alone.   
  
Carter leaned back against the lockers and put his head in his hands. Susan felt so sorry for him. Even now, he didn't know what was going on. Last night, she went round and told him everything Abby had told her earlier in the day. She couldn't help but feel like she was betraying Abby, but there was more than their friendship on the line here. Carter was devastated. All he could say was "I had no idea" and "Why didn't she tell me?" And now he just desperately wanted to talk to her. He was sure, no, he was positive he could make it right. He just needed to talk to her.  
  
"Where the HELL is she Susan?"  
  
.........................................................  
  
Abby sat in her motel room. The curtains were drawn and the light was switched off. She looked at the clock next to the bed, squinting through her red, swollen eyes. It was almost 7pm. Abby looked at the two bottles of bear she'd drunk, and swiped them away from her. She sat crossed legged on the tiny bed, her head in her hands, crying. For hours, she'd just sat here, pouring over the thoughts, the emotions that ran through her mind.  
  
Oh God, how could I let it come to this.  
I can't do this - I can't start drinking again.   
Not this time.  
This is make or break Abby, you know you can't survive another relapse.  
  
She began to sob, speaking out loud, wishing he could here her.  
"I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry"  
"I just want you, I just want you ... I just want you"  
She sounded like a child, words pouring out from her mouth in between the sobs, blubbering uncontrollably, unable to calm herself down.  
"I can't live without YOU, I don't want to live without you....."  
"I can't go on like this anymore ...I don't want to hurt anymore"  
  
And so it went on.  
  
It went on until she decided that for once in her life she had something to fight for.  
It went on until in one instant, she started to feel angry, not simply at herself, but at whatever it was, this imaginary monster, this force that was out to destroy her. Her own fear, hurt, her past.  
"No, no, no, no" she moaned shaking her head violently  
"I'm NOT gonna let you do this to me"  
"Not again"  
She knew she was talking to a part of herself.   
She knew in that instant she had to let go, somehow she had to let go of the hurt, and hang on for dear life to him.   
She needed him.   
She needed him now.  
She wasn't going to wait any longer.  
She wasn't going to sit and cry anymore.  
She was going to DO something.  
Now.  
  
Abby picked up the phone in trembling hands and dialed the number shakily. She heard the sound of her own voice, then the beep of her answer phone, and she began to pour her heart out. She told him everything he'd need to hear. Everything that mattered, finshing :  
".....I - I - I'm coming straight over now, pleeease be there, I'm so, so sorry... I - I love you..."  
Abby slammed the phone, pulled on some trainers, grabbed the keys to the car and ran out of the motel room, kicking an empty beer bottle out of the way .  
  
...........................................................  
  
John grabbed his things from his locker, and slammed it shut moodily. It was 7:30, he felt terrible. He was physically and mentally exhausted. He'd had twelve hours of hell. All he could think about was Abby, replaying her every word from last night, remembering the empty look in her eyes, how for one second she almost broke down, and then he saw it. All the fear, the turmoil, and the self-hatred. God, he was scared - terrified of losing her. He couldn't go back, couldn't imagine a life without her.  
  
He hoped to God she was okay.  
  
Chuny poked her head round the lounge door  
"Carter we've got a...."  
Carter cut her off.  
"I'm off" he stated, walking straight out of the lounge and down the corrider.  
Maybe she'd be at the apartment, waiting for him when he got there.   
With this thought he pushed open the ER doors, braced himself against the wind and walked through the ambulance bay and down the street, walking intently as the blare of sirens and the flashing lights dulled to nothing behind him.  
  
.....................................................  
  
Susan, Kerry, and Chuny ran into the Ambulance bay as the ambulance pulled in.  
"34 year old female, MVA. serious trauma to the head and abdomen....."  
Susan and Kerry were looking at the paramedic, straining to hear her above the noise.  
Chuny saw her first.  
"Oh ... oh .. Jesus Christ, its Abby!"  
Kerry looked at Chuny, registering the look of shock and upset on the nurses face before looking at the body on the stretcher. Her hand flew to her mouth involuntarily.  
"O - Oh my God - get her inside NOW!"  
Susan could barely breathe. All she could hear was her own heart beating, as they wheeled her in, she kept looking from Abby to people who rushed past them, taking in the looks of horror, of disbelief - slowly realising this wasn't a dream. Trying to pull her self together.  
"Susan - I need a line in! Now!"  
Susan tried to focus, her hands were shaking. Kerry didn't hesitate, she shouted to one of the nurses  
"get Kovac or Chen in here now!"  
"I'm in!" yelled Susan, her voice shaking  
Kerry was racing, working quickly, diligently, her hands flying, a stream of commands coming from her mouth.  
Just then, Chen came barging in followed by Haleh.  
"What the hell happened?"  
"Dr. Chen, I need you to intubate"  
Chen shook her head, as if clearing away any emotion she felt, and then quickly nodded to Kerry's command.  
"I need a head CT, tox screen and ultra sound"  
Kerry probed Abby's stomach.  
"Okay, abdomen is rigid and disdended - massive internal bleeding - get a surgical consult down right away! - tell them it's urgent!"  
Kerry spoke to Susan "Susan, go phone Carter"  
Susan nodded, her eyes fixed on Abby, and then she left.  
"Dr. Weaver! - she's regaining consciousness"  
"Abby, Abby can you hear me? It's Dr. Weaver"  
Abby moaned in pain, her eyes barely open.  
"Abby, talk to me"  
"....my head hurts ... can't see properly"  
"You're going to be okay, try to stay with us Abby"  
Weaver turned to Dr Chen who had a grim look on her face  
"Ok, there's probably a bleed due to the head trauma, we need to get her stabalised"  
Kerry turned Abby's head to the side slightly, wincing at the bluish purple swelling - watching as Abby slipped back into unconsciousness.  
"Where the HELL is that surgeon?!"  
"SATS are dropping! " yelled Haleh  
"get Romano down here NOW!"  
  
.........................................................................  
  
END OF CHAPTER 11  
  
I'd like to know what you think  
  
i'd also like you to keep reading!!! :) 


	12. It's Abby

CHAPTER 12  
  
.............................................  
  
Carter reached Abby's apartment building, or "their" aparment building as he'd begun to see it. He'd been walking home slowly, he still felt sick. As he had turned the corner onto the street he'd known immediately she wasn't there.   
His car was still gone.   
He climbed the stairs slowly, dejectedly unlocking the door and walking into the empty apartment. His heart skipped a beat when he noticed the bathroom light was on.  
"Abby??"  
No reply.  
He must have forgotton to turn it off.  
  
He felt so alone as he dumped his bag in the corner of the room, noticing three messages on the answering machine. Maybe she'd called. He tapped the replay button and collapsed onto the couch, closing his eyes against the nausea that was still there.  
  
"You have three messages"  
  
Carter heard the first beep.  
  
"Hello, this is Eleanor."  
Carter started at the sound of his mother's voice  
"I was worried when you didn't come tonight, Abby.  
I hope everything is ok.  
If you get this message, and still want to come by, I'll gladly come and pick you up."  
Carter slumped back down. What was THAT about? Why was Abby meeting his mother?  
  
He heard the second beep.  
  
"John .... I - It's Abby ..."  
Her voice cut through him like a bolt of electricity. He sat upright, listening to every word, every breath. She was crying, no, she was sobbing.  
"Oh, God, John I - I - I'm so sorry. I love you, I love you so much .... I want to come home ..... I need you .... I don't want to live without you .... I don't want to hurt anymore ...........I - I - I'm coming straight over now, pleeease be there, I'm so, so sorry... I - I love you..."  
  
John exhaled as the message ended. He could tell her heart was breaking.   
Tears stung his eyes.   
She was coming home. They were going to be ok. Oh God, she was coming back to him. She loved him, she needed him. He knew that soon he would be holding her in his arms, kissing her, telling her he'd never leave her, that everything was going to be ok.  
  
John was lost in a torrent of thoughts and emotions.  
He didn't hear the third beep.  
Didn't even hear Susan's voice as she began to speak.  
  
"John, John ... are you there ? - it's Susan ...."  
  
Something registered in his mind. Perhaps it was the panic in her voice, the way her voice was wavering.  
  
"...for Christ's sake pick up John..."  
  
Something was wrong, something bad, really bad had happened.  
A knot began to form in the pit of his stomach.  
His heart began to quicken.  
  
"...John ... it's Abby - she's been in a car accident ...."  
  
His heart was pounding, he could feel the blood pumping inside his head.  
  
"... you need to get down here right away ... it's not good John"  
  
He didn't hear anything else.  
He couldn't breathe - couldn't shift the air that stuck in his throat.  
He felt sick - very sick.  
He stumbled across to the phone, knocking it off the table, falling to his knees.  
He dialed the number as quickly as he could.  
"Mom? It's John - I need you to take me to the hospital now"  
"No ... it's Abby ...she's been in an accident"  
His voice broke as he said her name.  
"It's Abby" he repeated, putting a clenched fist to his forehead, tears running down his face.  
  
...........................................................  
  
"What happened?!?" shouted Elizabeth as she burst into Trauma 1.  
"Car crash" replied Haleh solemnly.   
"head-on collision" added Chen.  
Elizabeth quickly examined Abby.  
"Head CT shows a bleed, and there's a lot of blood in the abdomen" said Kerry handing the scans to Elizabeth.  
"Yes ... yes, she ruptured her spleen"  
"BP's stable" commented Chuny  
Elizabeth began to bark orders at the nurses.  
"ok, get her upstairs now, call surgery, tell them we have damage to the spleen as well as possible intercranial bleed, prep theatre 2, squeeze in 2 litres, and page Romano...."  
Elizabeth turned to Kerry.  
"We'll have to repair the spleen before we can do anything about the head injury. We'll just have to hope the bleeding doesn't get any worse."  
Kerry was clearly worried.  
"Is that the best we can do?"  
"If we don't repair the spleen, she'll bleed to death.   
We don't have a choice."  
Elizabeth walked swiftly out of Trauma 1, leaving Kerry, Jing Mei, Chuny and Haleh staring after her. They stood for a moment, the reality of what just happened sinking in.  
Kerry ripped her gloves and overalls off, and left the room, and the other three women behind.  
  
...................................................  
  
"Malik, have you seen Susan?"  
He shook his head.  
"Well, do you know if she phoned Carter?"  
He nodded.  
  
John burst into the ER, his mother following behind him, struggling to keep up.  
"Kerry! - what happened? where is she?"  
"She... she's in theatre"  
"What's wrong with her?" He was breathing heavily, struggling to get the words out.  
  
He hated how softly Kerry was speaking.  
He hated that he knew her "prepare the relatives for the worst" voice.  
  
"There was a lot of damage John ... her, her spleen ruptured, causing a massive abdominal bleed. They're working to repair that damage now ....."  
"What else?"  
Kerry looked at him sadly.  
"...the...the head CT showed some bleeding .. on the brain. Even if they can repair the damage to the spleen... the - theirs always the risk that she could suffer a major subdural haematoma ..... I'm sorry John"  
  
John nodded "thankyou"  
He walked outside. The fresh air assaulted his lungs and turned his stomach. He wretched, bending over and vomiting. For a second, blackness closed in on him, and he thought he was going to collapse, but he didn't.  
He felt an arm go around his waist and over his stomach, another strong hand gripped hi shoulder. He heard his mothers voice.  
"I'm here John, I'm here for you now."  
John turned around and buried his in her shoulder, crying. He needed to cling on to someone.  
  
Tears ran down Eleanor's face as held on to her son. This is what she should have done so many times in his life. She had let him down, she knew that - but she was trying to make things right. That's why she came to see Abby. She just wanted her boy to be happy for once. Why did this have to happen?  
She hadn't been this close to him since before Bobby died.  
She'd never been there for him.  
"I'm so, so sorry John"  
  
.......................................................  
  
END OF CHAPTER 12 


	13. It's the cute one

CHAPTER 13  
  
I hope you're all still with me!  
Thankyou for the reviews, they give me a push in certain directions  
  
............................................................................  
  
Romano and Elizabeth were scrubbing in for surgery.  
  
"So which one is it?"  
"Excuse me?" asked a focused Elizabeth  
"The ER nurse"  
"Her NAME is Abby"  
Romano furrowed his brow as he continued to wash his hands, looking up into space.  
"Abby.....Abby, Abby.."  
He couldn't put a face to the name.  
"Damn" he stated as they walked into theatre  
"What?" asked Elizabeth, annoyed at how lightly he was taking the situation.  
Romano shrugged, gesturing at Abby on the table  
"...it's the cute one" he explained matter-of-factly.  
Elizabeth rolled her eyes as they got to work.  
  
......................................................................  
  
Susan sat on her own outside Theatre 2, feeling that she should stay, at least until Carter got here.  
  
Poor Carter.  
Poor ABBY.  
This is such a mess.  
I hope she makes it.  
She'll be alright.  
I don''t know how, but she will.  
She has to be.  
Why isn't he here yet?!  
  
"Susan!"  
Susan looked up to see John running down the corridor towards her.  
"Oh, thank God"  
Her face melted into one of relief, then sadness as she took a look at him.  
He looked like a man who was losing everything, and desperately trying to cling on to it for his life.   
"Did you hear anything" he whispered, bent double, trying to catch his breath.  
"No, she just went under .... Oh, Carter ... I'm so sorry..."  
He sat himself down beside her and put his head in his hands, Susan placing a hand on his back. He sprang up suddenly. He'd obviously been crying, but he wasn't now. Susan recognised he'd gone into "doctor mode".  
"Do you know how it happened?"  
Susan remembered she did, the paramedic told her .... only she hadn't been listening all that well.  
"I..err...yeah - the paramedic said she got hit from the side... and it pushed her into oncoming traffic. She got hit head-on."  
He just sat taking all this in.  
"and to think we'd just call that an MVA"  
Susan started, and then stopped, gathering her thoughts.  
"If you need anything ... I mean if I can do anything"  
John looked at his friend and managed a smile that didn't stretch as far as his eyes.  
"I'm glad you're here" he said putting an arm around her. "And there is something you could do..."  
"What?"  
"Mom went to get coffee..." Carter looked at his watch "...... fifeteen minutes ago"  
"She's lost" stated Susan dryly   
"I'll go find her"  
  
As Susan got up Carter sat and waited.  
He couldn't do anything else.  
His mind turned back to Abby's message.  
She was coming back to him.  
  
I don't believe this is happening to us.  
  
....................................................................  
  
Romano and Elizabeth were struggling to stop all the bleeding from the spleen. Romano finished yet another stitch and then stepped back. They both sighed irritably when blood seeped out from yet another unseen vessel.  
"Suction." Elizabeth was getting more and more concerned for Abby.  
"We don't have time for this" sang Romano  
"BP's dropping"  
"Sqeeze in more blood" instructed Elizabeth trying to keep calm  
"We only have 2 litres"  
"Then get MORE!" she shouted.  
"It comes out here as fast as we squeeze it in"  
"Patience Lizzy, patience"  
Romano tied off the offending blood vessel, and they stood back once again.  
And they waited.  
And nothing happened.  
"Did I ever say what an excellent surgeon I was"  
Elizabeth looked up with a mixture of shock and relief on her face, looking back down.  
"I - I don't believe it"  
"Yeah, well you and me both. Now lets close her up before our luck runs out"  
Elizabeth nodded.   
This was more than she'd hoped for.  
"Page Neuro-surg, tell them we're nearly done."  
"Lets just hope they have as much luck as us Elizabeth"  
Elizabeth looked at Abby's face, the purple bruise on her head.   
  
She hoped there was still enough time.  
  
....................................................................  
  
END OF CHAPTER 13  
  
please keep the reviews coming.  
I want to make the story as good as possible.  
It's getting quite long now! 


	14. Mrs Carter I presume?

Here comes Chapter 14  
  
Gonna introduce some Susan/Eleanor cause I think that would be interesting.  
Also, Maggie is soon to make an appearance in upcoming chapters  
  
Oh, yeah and the little issue over Abby's life hanging in the balance...............  
  
............................................................  
  
"er ... Mrs Carter?"  
"Yes?"  
"Hi, I'm Dr. Lewis ....... I'm a friend of Carter's"  
Susan smiled reaching out her hand.  
"Oh, you mean John ... "  
"err .... yeah ..... well he asked me to come give you a hand."  
"oh, that won't be necessary, I'm fine thankyou"  
Eleanor turned around quickly and bumbed into a gurney, spilling some coffee.  
"Oh, hey ... let me help"  
Eleanor stood upright stiffly and swiped a strand of hair from her face. She smiled tightly at Susan.  
"I'm fine."  
Susan looked at the woman for a second, taking in how proud and stubborn she was.  
"Well, I think Cart....JOHN, would like to be on his own for a little while, so why don't you and I ... get a bite to eat?"  
"Thankyou, but I'd much rather do something remotely helpful."  
Susan considered giving up completely.   
She couldn't believe this woman.   
No .. she was doing this for Carter.  
"okaaay....... well it's getting late, and I'm sure we could help by getting some things for John, and .... and for Abby ... if ... when she wakes up."  
Eleanor looked away, as if weighing up the idea, and then nodded slowly.  
"I'm parked some distance away..."  
"... okay ... you bring the car round front, and I'll go tell Carter."  
  
His name is John, thought Eleanor as Susan walked away briskly.  
  
What IS her problem!? thought Susan as she ran up the stairs.  
That lady has a serious attitude problem.  
  
It was cerainly gonna be a long night ........ for them all.  
  
................................................................................  
  
"Carter?" Elizabeth spoke tenderly.  
"Elizabeth .... what's going on? - is...is she ok?"  
Elizabeth sat down next to him and put her hand on top of his.  
"The neuro-surgeon's in there now - we repaired the damage to the spleen - it went better than we hoped"  
Carter bit his lip.  
"She's half way there now - there's every chance she's going to make it"  
He went to speak, but he couldn't.  
He let out a stifled sob instead.  
"I'm sorry" he whispered  
"I'll come speak to you as soon as we know anything."  
Carter nodded, the fighting back the tears - at least for now.  
He looked up at Elizabeth.  
"Thankyou"  
Elizabeth was caught off guard for a split second, remembering the same words Lucy spoke to her .... no, not this time.  
  
"She's going to make it"  
  
......................................................................  
  
Kerry slammed the phone irritably.  
"No news?" asked Haleh  
Kerry shook her head  
"She's still in theatre"  
  
Kerry picked up Abby's chart, looked at it for a second, and then chucked it to one side. She was about to walk away when something stuck out in her mind. She picked the chart back up.  
There.  
There were traces of alcohol in the blood.  
Not much, but Abby was a recovering alcoholic.  
She looked at the chart again - Abby was drinking?  
Kerry wondered how she should handle this.  
She'd have to talk to Carter, but not now.  
Now wasn't the time.  
  
A presence above her distracted her from her thoughts.  
"Any news on Abby yet?"  
"I'm afraid not Luka"  
Luka bowed his head defeatedly.  
"I feel so helpless"  
"I'll let you know - soon as we hear anything"  
He walked away dejectedly.  
Kerry felt sorry for him, having to wait on the sidelines for news.  
He obviously cared deeply for Abby.  
  
She should have been out of theatre by now.  
  
............................................................  
  
  
END OF CHAPTER 14 


	15. She'd come so far

CHAPTER 15  
  
more Susan/Eleanor  
some Maggie still to come  
and you know the rest  
  
....................................................  
  
Susan turned the key in the door and pushed to open it.  
She pushed again ... harder.  
"It's stuck" she hissed.  
She banged her side against the door, and it sprang open, throwing her slightly off balance. She began to scale along the wall, feeling for the light switch, flicking it on and squinting against the light.  
Eleanor walked in slowly, ducking her head slightly as she passed through the door frame, looking around dubiously.  
"How strange .... John usually keeps things so tidy"  
Susan rolled her eyes as she walked into the bathroom.  
**yeah, but that's cause you pay someone to clean up after him** she thought, turning around to face Eleanor.  
"Listen, how about I grab some things for Abby, and you can get some things together for John...?"  
Eleanor nodded, still looking around the apartment.  
"....oh, and Carter asked me to find Abby's mom's number from the phone book." Susan reminded herself.  
"I can do that." announced Eleanor "What is her name"  
"I'm guessing it'll probably be under "Mom""  
  
Eleanor cringed at the way Susan spoke to her.  
**I don't think I appreciate your sarcasm** she thought to herself.  
  
..........................................................  
  
"Carter" said Elizabeth, shaking him lightly.  
"hmm?" he answered lifting his head and rubbing his eyes.  
Elizabeth could tell that for a split second, he'd forgotton where he was, what had happened.  
"Abby's out of theatre"  
  
**Thankyou God**  
  
He nodded, trying to act like "Dr. Carter", trying to take this in his stride.  
He glanced at his watch **ten past eleven - she'd been in there ages**  
"...we've just moved her to intensive care now."  
Carter glanced down the corridor.  
"So how did it go?"  
Elizabeth sat down next to him, ticking off a mental checklist as she described the procedure to him.  
"....... it was touch and go, the intercranial bleed was as bad as we anticipated. It took a long time, but she pulled though it. She must be a fighter."  
John nodded.  
"Will there be any damage?"  
Elizabeth thought for a moment - she knew he knew the answer as well as she did.  
"It's impossible to say until she regains consciousness"  
  
Carter rested his head back against the wall.  
She had to be ok.  
She'd come so far through this.  
She could have been in a coma.  
She could have died.  
She'd come through so much, she just had to be ok now.  
  
"Is she breathing on her own?"  
"... she's triggering the vent, I'm about to go and take her off now. You could assist if you like?"  
Carter nodded and stood up.  
  
It suddenly hit him that he was going to see her.  
He was frightened of seeing her.  
  
.......................................................  
  
Kerry put the phone down and looked at the small group of faces waiting for her to speak.  
"she's made it through theatre"  
They all breathed sighs of relief.  
Luka bowed his head, whispering something inaudible bofore saying  
"I'm going home ... good night"  
Kerry responded  
"night Luka"  
  
Susan struggled in through the ER doors along with Eleanor.  
Susan was up to her eyeballs in bags.  
"Kerry! have you heard anything?"  
"she's out of theatre - they're moving her to ICU now"  
"what does that mean?" interrupted Eleanor.  
"It means she'd getting better" Susan turned back to Kerry "thanks Kerry"  
She then struggled down the corridor, stopping to press the elavator button, almost dropping all the bags on the floor.  
"I still don't see why we had to bring their entire wardrobe" she mumbled, casting the back of Eleanor's head a look to kill.  
  
............................................................... 


	16. She's Sleeping

CHAPTER 16  
  
first Abby dialogue for .... HOW many chapters!?!  
hope you're still interested.  
  
..................................................................  
  
John paused outside Abby's room, resting his head against the glass. Even now, seeing her took his breath away. He hadn't seen her in twenty four hours, and it seemed like an eternity.  
Elizabeth held the door open for him to enter.  
All he could hear was the monotonous bleeping of the heart moniter, and the rasping mechanical noise of the ventilator.  
He HATED that sound.  
  
**She looks so small.....and pale - she's looks pale**  
  
She had a large dressing on the side of her head, and a few cuts on her face.  
Otherwise, she looked ... untouched.  
He reached out, brushing her mouth with his hand, as if making sure she was real, that THIS was real.  
  
"ok...Carter? if you'd get the oxygen mask....?"  
  
It was all done so quietly.  
  
Elizabeth gently, almost tenderly removed the tape from around Abby mouth that held the tube in place.  
She motioned for Carter to switch the ventilator off as she pulled the chube out in a swift, fluid movement.  
He put the O2 mask gently in place over her mouth, hooking the elastic around her ears.  
  
They watched her SATs.  
  
".....we're fine above ninety.." commented Elizabeth, as much to herself as to him.  
  
They both watched in silence as her oxygen saturation levels slowly fell.  
  
** 100% ** 96% ** 94% ** 90% ** 88% **  
  
John shook his head, looking at Elizabeth who kept her eyes fixed on the screen.  
  
"let's just give the oxygen a chance to kick in"  
  
** 84% ** 83% ** 85% ** 88% ** 92% ** 95% **  
  
Elizabeth smiled, placing a hand on his shoulder.  
"I'll be back when she wakes up to give the post-op exam .... call me if you need anything"  
She gave his shoulder a tight squeeze, and then got up and left.  
  
John took Abby's hand and held it up to his face.  
She was so weak, so ... poorly, and yet her touch was still like oxygen to him.  
It felt so good just to be near to her again.  
  
....................................................................  
  
Susan tapped lightly on the window and walked in.  
"Hey" she whispered "How's she doing?"  
John looked at his friend.  
"She's breathing ok"  
They sat in silence for a moment.  
"Oh, here's her mom's number"  
He took the piece of paper from her, unfolding it.  
"I forgot ... I really should have called her already" he said, standing up to leave.  
"Do you mind if I stay with her?" asked Susan.  
He looked at her for a second.  
"Sure, she'd like that"  
  
He left the room quietly, Eleanor was waiting in the corridor for him.  
"They said she was getting better."  
He scratched his head, choosing to nod at her rather that explain the complexity of the situation.  
"You should go home, you look tired"  
Eleanor embraced her son tightly.  
"You need anything .... anything ... call me"  
"Thankyou"  
She put a hand to his face.  
"I love you, take care"  
and then she left.  
  
..............................................................  
  
Susan sat in the room, just watching Abby. She knew she wanted to be here, but she felt awkward somehow - almost embarrassed.  
She had grown to care very much for Abby, but their friendship was still very much undefined.  
  
Susan was startled out of her thoughts by a small weaze.  
And then another one, this time louder.  
Abby's face slowly contorted into a frown as she coughed - a dry, painful cough.  
Her eyes fluttered open, adjusting, searching for something to focus on.  
"Abby .... Abby, it's Susan"  
Abby barely responded.  
"...you're at the hospital ... do you know what happened to you?"  
Abby shook her head slightly.  
"..you were in a car accident ..."  
Abby nodded suddenly, tears spilling over her eyes and down her cheeks.  
"hey .. it's ok ... you're gonna be ok"  
  
Abby lifted a hand to remove her mask.   
Susan anticipated her  
"here ..... I got it"  
She lifted the mask off and let it hang down beneath Abby's chin.  
Abby tried to wipe a tear away.  
It amazed Susan how even now, even after the last two days, Abby was still ashamed to cry in front of her.  
Her eyes closed for a second, and Susan thought she'd drifted back.  
  
Abby was concentrating on her breathing - inhaling long, laboured breaths that came out in short, sharp bursts of pain.  
Susan could tell she was struggling, and went to put the mask back on, but Abby raised a hand to stop her.  
"Does he know?" her voice came out deep and hoarse  
"Sure he does - he's been here all night - he just went to go phone you mom"  
Abby let out two short, sharp gasps that passed for laughter.  
"Great" she coughed "that's all I need"  
Susan slipped the mask back over her face before Abby could resist.  
"you need to take it easy ....... besides ..... you owe me ........... guess who had to babysit Mrs. Carter all evening?"  
Susan could tell by her eyes that Abby was smiling at the thought.  
She watched as they appeared to get heavier and heavier, until they finally closed.  
  
"She's sleeping"  
she whispered, to no one but herself  
  
........................................................  
  
I hope you liked this chapter  
  
I gave you some ABBY but you still missing your CARBY !  
  
next chapter - I promise  
  
PLEASE REVIEW 


	17. Silent tears

CARBY CARBY CARBY  
  
ok ok ok  
  
.............................................  
  
She watched him sleeping, propped in the corner of the room.  
He looked so tired - he almost didn't look alive. She wanted to open her mouth and wake him, but she couldn't. She just didn't have the energy she needed.  
So she just laid there, prone, tears slowly making there way down her face as she breathed ... in ...out ... in .... out.  
  
He opened his eyes slightly, squinting against the sunlight coming through the window. He glanced quickly at the figure on the bed, reajusting himself to the fact that everything had gone horribly wrong. Recovering from the split second after he'd woken up when he expected her to be in his arms, the split second when he thought that everything was ok ... and then he heard the heart moniter, and it registered ... hitting him like the horrible feeling when you know you've forgotten something really important.   
And then he spent mintues, just working up the courage to open his eyes, and look at her.  
  
He looked at her again .... her eyes were open.  
He wasn't sure at first, blinking and then looking again.  
She was awake, just lying, her head turned to one side, watching him.  
  
He didn't move at first, neither of them moved ... just watching each other.  
And then he could make out the tears, making paths down her cheek, over the bridge of her nose and mingling with the tears from her other eye.  
He could feel his own heart breaking as he watched her.  
  
He stood up, moving to the chair next to the bed. She didn't move, but her eyes followed him.  
He brought one hand to the side of her face, and reaching over wrapped the other one arond her chest and under her shoulder.   
And he held her.  
Leaning down, resting his face against her shoulder, he broke down into tears.  
  
She lifted her hand to the back of his head.  
She could feel his tears on her shoulder, feel his short sobs in her chest.  
With her other hand, she lifted the mask from her face, whispering into his hair  
"I'm sorry......I'm sorry"  
  
He stayed there, feeling her chest rise slightly and fall, closing his eyes as her fingers moved through his hair, soothing him.  
  
"I'm sorry too" he whispered.  
  
................................................  
  
what do you think??  
  
more to come I promise - no more heart ache!  
  
even though I think the bad stuff makes it all the better when you finally reach the fluff ;)  
  
PLEASE REVIEW 


	18. We're going to be ok

Here's CHAPTER 18  
  
this story's so long! - i promise 20 chapters will finish it  
  
.................................................................................  
  
Carter walked out of the lift and into the ER. He looked tired. Weary would be a better description thought Kerry as he passed by her.  
"Jerry .. can I borrow that phone after you?"  
Jerry stuck his thumb up in responce.  
".. is Abby ok?" asked Chuny  
"she will be .." he responded, trying to make his voice sound cheerful ".. she's doing great"  
"That's good to hear man" interrupted Jerry, slapping Carter on the back as he handed him the phone.  
Carter punched in the number as Susan walked over.  
"Hey, what are you doing down here?"  
Carter held his hand up to pause the conversation.  
"Mom? ... is she there yet? ... well maybe she dyed it ... well she's on that flight, so just keep looking ... call when you've got her ... bye."  
He hung up and sighed.  
"What's that all about?" asked Susan, rubbing her eyes slowly.  
"My mother decided to be "helpful" and pick Abby's mom up from the airport ..."  
"Maggie's coming?" interrupted Chuny  
"Yep" nodded Carter.  
"Hey, Malik, Maggie's coming by today ..."  
Malik looked up.  
"Maggie ... as in .. Abby's mom?"  
Chuny grinned and nodded.  
"Oh man" said Malik to himself, remembering how she had propositioned him on her last visit, to put it mildly.  
"You can run but you can't hide, pretty boy" shouted Chuny as she walked into the lounge.  
"Did I miss something here?" questioned Susan.  
Carter was about to explain when Kerry approached the desk.  
"Malik, don't you have something to do?"  
He disappeared before she even finished the question.  
"How is Abby doing, Carter?"  
"She's recovering quickly. Dr. Corday's doing the post-op now"  
"Is she upto any visitors?"  
"Umm, yeah, she is"  
His voice tailed off as he remembered something.  
"Hey, Jerry? If my mother calls, page me."  
"Sure thing Dr. Carter"  
  
Kerry glanced at some charts absent-mindedly, looking up as Susan and Carter made their way out of the ER.  
"Jerry, page me if I'm needed - I'll be upstairs"  
  
...........................................................................................  
  
"It might not seem like it, but you were very lucky"  
Abby laughed almost bitterly.   
Elizabeth looked at her seriously.  
"It could have been a lot worse."  
Abby felt self-conscious suddenly.  
" ... anyway ... you checked out fine, we just need to keep that clean, and keep an eye on those stitches. You'll need another head CT - I'll get that sorted."  
Elizabeth put the chart down.  
".. otherwise, you need your rest, we'll observe you for at least another week, then you're free to go."  
Abby grimaced at the thought of hospital food for a week; glancing sourly at the tray of untouched food by her bed.   
Elizabeth cuaght her gaze.  
"You know I have it on good authority that the chicken soup is quite palletable"  
Abby smiled.  
"You should try the Carribean peppers" she quipped.  
Elizabeth smiled at Abby's characteristically dry humour.  
  
....................................................................................  
  
Kerry smiled at Elizabeth as they passed in the corridor. She paused outside Abby's room before entering.  
"Dr. Weaver?"  
Abby could barely hide the slight shock and the overwhelming embarrassment from her voice. Kerry knew Abby would hate her seeing her like this. She knew the nurse was very serious; proffessionally speaking.  
"I'm glad you're getting better Abby - you had me worried"  
Abby blushed slightly.  
Kerry took a seat, placing her crutch on the floor.  
"... Abby ... there were ... traces of alcohol in your blood."  
Abby felt her head swoon slightly, the blood pounding in her ears.  
"I ... I didn't think I was over the limit."  
Kerry could hear the tinge of panic in her voice.  
"No, no you weren't."  
Abby let out a shaky breath, her eyes glacing over slightly.  
"How long have you been drinking?"  
Kerry spoke very softly, not wanting to come down hard or intimidate Abby in any way.  
"I ... I relapsed a few months ago. But .. but I stopped. I had a bad couple of days - yesterday I drank two beers. But I stopped ... it .. it was a one-off"  
Kerry nodded, thinking how to phrase what she knew she had to say.  
"You need to consider going back to counselling Abby, especially if you want to come back to work .."  
"I do" snapped Abby, and then checking herself "I ... I mean I will, thankyou Dr. Weaver."  
Just then, Carter entered the room.  
"I got pie ... Dr. Weaver?"  
"I should really get back to the ER .... take care Abby ..... John."  
She nodded at him and then left.  
  
..........................................................................  
  
"We need to talk."  
"... I didn't know whether to get apple or blueberry so I ..."  
"John, we can't pretend nothing happened. I can't pretend."  
He put the food down, talking quietly at the same time.  
"I just want you to get better Abby"  
"It's not that simple ... you ... you should know that"  
He nodded to himself, folding his arms across his chest in a defensive movement.  
"I know that you don't WANT to get better"  
"Oh please" she spat "don't you start as well"  
"well ... the truth hurts" he replied, standing up and turning to look out the window.  
Abby breathed out sharply, frustratedly trying to prop herself up on her elbows. She couldn't argue with him lying down.  
"I DO want to get better. I want to be ok, and I want to be with you..."  
She pointed at him at him as she said the last word, ripping the pulse-ox from her finger. Carter swivelled round as numerous alarms went off around them. Abby irritably slumped back into the bed.  
"Abby? What's wrong? What happened?"  
He was leaning over her, slapping her on the cheek and shaking her by the shoulder. Abby stared at him in disbelief, hitting him in the chest twice.  
"Get off me ... it's just the stupid pulse-ox"  
He lept back from the bed.  
She clipped it back onto her finger, and then began to smile. The smile turned into a soft chuckle, which soon turned into uncontrollable giggles. She looked at John - he was a picture, stood there looking so serious and angry.  
"It's not funny" he sulked.  
"I'm sorry, I know ..." Abby managed to get out before falling into another spat of giggles. "You should have .... seen .... your face when I .... hit you."  
She took a deep breath, trying to control herself, and then looked up at him fondly, speaking softly.  
"You know I love you, right?"  
He still wore his serious expression, but his posture loosened a bit, his arrms dropping to his sides.  
"You need help Abby"  
She laughed again "That's what I was trying to tell you"  
He raised his eyebrows, looking at her pleadingly.  
"Really?"  
"I'll go to counselling ... I promise .... but I can't get better ... without you"  
He knelt by her bed, reaching up to touch her face, smoothing her hair away, searching for words.  
"I love you"  
She reached up, moving a hand up his neck to the back of his head, pulling him down to her.  
  
Their lips met - tenderly and sweetly.  
It was so much like their first kiss, and yet so much more, so full of hope.  
  
As the kiss deepened, the same raw passion, the same mutual need was there between them.  
Abby broke away, slightly breathless.  
She smiled, running her thumb over his eyebrow and down his cheek.  
"We're going to be ok" she whispered, pulling him back down.  
  
....................................................................................  
  
END OF CHAPTER 18  
  
I can't believe I've covered 2 days of narrative in about 16 chapters.  
Anyway, I hope you're still enjoying it.  
Thankyou very much for the helpful and encouraging reviews - they're very generous.  
  
only 2 chapters to go! 


	19. Nearly there now

Here's the penultimate chapter.  
  
Thanks again for the reviews.  
  
.............................................................  
  
As Carter walked upto the ER entrance he was in a daze. Abby was coming home tomorrow, and the last week had seemed like an eternity. Not only that, but Maggie had been staying at Abby's apartment so he had decided to move back into the mansion for a few days. As they walked together, Maggie had been talking non-stop, and Carter suddenly realised that he had started not to listen. He had just looked at her occasionly, smiling, nodding in agreement to whatever it was she was saying.  
" ..... well anyway, I realise that Eleanor is trying to be helpful, but I really don't think that Abby will appreciate ....."  
As Maggie's voice drifted into obscurity again, Carter realised she was talking about the damned "welcome home" party for Abby. He didn't think she'd appreciate a party fullstop, but all he had heard all week was his mother insisting they had a huge party at the mansion, and Maggie openly disagreeing. Carter's lips tightened into a little smirk as he recalled Maggie's final comments to his mother.  
"I'm her mother - I know best"  
And that settled it.  
Yes, he had certainly been caught up in the middle of a holy war. In the end, although he didn't say anything, he of course knew that Maggie was right. Just a few close friends at the apartment would be nice. His mother was just trying to help the only way she knew how, and he did feel sorry for her.  
".... oh, and Susan said that she's making sure everyone at the hospital knows it's a suprise - now John, don't go telling Abby. I know she says she hates suprises, but she doesn't really. I remember when we ......"  
He smiled and nodded again.   
Susan was Maggie's new best friend, if only because she indulged her in every way possible. In fact, Susan was just as excited as Maggie about this whole party thing. They were both frustrated by his apathy, but he just had more important things on his mind.  
"John, don't be such a kill-joy" Maggie had said.  
"Yeah, Carter, aren't you quite the party-pooper"  
It was all a big game to Susan. She loved ganging up against him with Maggie, clucking over Abby as her new best friend.  
  
As they walked into the ER, Maggie shouted over to admin.  
"Randi, I love that top!"  
Randi snapped her gum, put her magazine to one side and smiled sheerfully at Maggie.  
"Thanks, you look great today Maggie"  
Carter scratched his head awkwardly as Maggie twirled around before laying eyes on Susan.  
"Susan?"  
Susan's eyes lit up as she saw Maggie.  
"Hey, Maggie"  
Maggie latched onto Susan, linking arms with her as they walked over to the lounge, already heatedly discussing arrangements for tomorrow evening.  
Carter sighed, gathering his thoughts, relieved momentarily that he had some peace. He came half an hour early so he could see Abby before he started his shift. As he stepped into the elavator, he couldn't help a smile creeping onto his face. He missed her so much. Seeing her was the highlight of his day.  
  
............................................................................  
  
He looked through the window at her. She was already awake, sat upright in her bed reading a magazine. He watched her as she let out a frustrated breath, tossing the magazine to one side and folding her arms across her chest, making him chuckle slightly. She turned her head and caught sight of him through the glass; her frown transforming into a beautiful smile. More than anything, he loved how pleased she was to see him. He loved how everytime she laid eyes on him, he got to see that radiant, breath-taking smile.  
He walked into the room and sat down on the side of her bed, leaning in for a kiss. He pulled away, smiling.  
"Good morning"  
She slumped her head back against her pillow - her little way of letting him know she was frustrated and wanted sympathy. He put a hand on her shoulder, massaging it gently with his thumb.  
"Only one more day, and then I'll come and wisk you away...."  
She unfolded her arms and picked some fluff out of his hair, letting her hand rest on his neck.  
"Did you check on mom last night?" she asked seriously. Carter noticed she couldn't stop worrying about Maggie, even though she was well and truly back on her meds. He remembered an argument they'd had about Maggie four days ago when she invited an old homeless man into Abby's aprtment for dinner one evening because she felt sorry for him.  
"Did you count her tablets?" Abby had demanded;  
"No!"  
"Well, you should have done"  
He just went and had "a word" with Maggie who promptly admitted it was a "stupid thing to do" that she "just felt sorry for him" and that it wouldn't happen again. Ever since though, Abby had been on tenter hooks, and he couldn't really blame her. He still wished she'd lighten up a bit and just concentrate on getting better.  
"Yeah, she's fine, she came in with me this morning."  
Abby nodded at first, and then looked confused.  
"Where is she?"  
He faltered for a second, not wanting to act suspiciously  
"... she's ah talking horoscopes with Randi"  
Abby smiled slightly, rolling her eyes.  
"That figures"  
"Why've you still got this on?" hechanged the subject, tugging slightly at the edge of the bandage round her head.  
She tutted to herself, crossing her arms again.  
"because .... YOU still haven't brought me a hat from home"  
Carter held his hands up in mock defence.  
"...you better remember tomorrow John, or I'm not coming home."  
"Then I'll definately remember" he smirked, moving across to kiss her forehead.  
"I mean it, I'm not displaying my bald-patch to the entire world!"  
He lifted up her bandage just above her left temple looking at the scar and the patch of short hairs that had already started to regrow. He folded the material back down gently, and kissed her again.  
"I think it's cute"  
She giggled, bowing her head slightly.  
"You would."  
  
.....................................................................................  
  
END OF CHAPTER 19  
  
not sure if their is much to review on this one really  
The next one's going to be good.  
  
It's the last one as well *sniff sniff* 


	20. I know

the last chapter - i think i may cry!  
  
........................................................  
  
Carter whistled to himself as he walked down the corridor to Abby's room. He was so excited about bringing her home. Not only that, but overnight he had become as much of a party-enthusiast as Susan and Maggie. He couldn't wait to see Abby's face when she saw so many people there for her. This morning, he'd made sure everyone was coming. In fact, the whole of the ER was excited about tonight - especially the nurses. He'd smiled to himself everytime he heard Chuny ask someone else what they were wearing. They hadn't all got together since Mark's death. The thought made Carter stop for a second. He wished that Mark could be there tonight. He wished he was here.  
"I really miss him" he thought to himself.  
  
........................................................................  
  
"Hey, it's about time" quipped Abby as he walked into the room. She was standing next to the bed, folding her clothes and putting them into a bag. He walked behind her, putting his arms around her waist and kissing her neck. She turned around, snaking her arms around his neck and gasping slightly when he pulled her into him.  
"Did I hurt you?" he asked, concerned.  
She smiled and shook her head.  
"I forgot how hot you are"  
He moved a hand up her side and round to her back as he kissed her. She stood on tiptoes slightly, leaning into him as much as she could, overwhelmed by the feeling of safety and belonging as he wrapped his arms around her. Having her so close was like ecstacy to him. He knew what it was like to be addicted to something; but nothing compared to how much he needed her. He could barely stand the feel of her body so close to him, fitting into him perfectly.  
"You ready?" he asked huskily, not wanting to let go of her.  
She cringed slightly and shook her head.  
"Corday needs to take a look at the MRI before they'll discharge me"  
John looked at his watch. They still had plenty of time. He lifted an arm from her waist and ran a finger back and forth over the patch of short hairs on the side of her head, enjoying the texture.  
"Hey," she said self-consciously, feeling the patch for herself ".... get your own"  
He smiled and moved over to the bed, folding up a T-shirt and putting into the bag.  
"Where's my hat?"  
John screwed his eyes up, mentally chastising himself for forgetting. She knew he'd forgotton. He turned to face her; she was standing there with her hands on her hips, an eyebrow raised in accusation.  
"oops"  
"Damn right, oops .... go buy me one."  
His shoulders drooped in defeat and frustration, making her smile.  
"I meant what I said John"  
"Okay, okay ... I'll go get you a hat"  
" .. a nice one"  
"...a nice one" he echoed, kissing her quickly and heading out the door.  
  
......................................................................  
  
"Where do I buy a hat from?" he asked himself as he walked down the street. He caught sight of something in a shop window that made him stop. It was a black dress. It would suit Abby perfectly he thought, imagining her in it - the slash-neck falling just off her shoulders, and dipping at the front just far enough ....  
He almost convinced himself that she'd refuse to wear it, but he couldn't get the picture of her in it out of his mind. No - he'd just have to buy it - for himself as much as anything.  
  
Forty-five minutes later, he walked out of the shop with the dress and a pair of black strappy sandals that the shop assistant spent ages helping him pick out. He cursed under his breath when he checked the time. He still hadn't found a hat. Besides, he couldn't imagine her in that dress wearing any sort of hat.   
She was going to kill him. He was officially dead.   
He was just about to give up when he spotted something out of the corner of his eye. He peered through the glass, a huge smile creeping onto his face.  
"Well .... she asked for a hat." he chuckled as he walked into the shop.  
  
.......................................................................  
  
Abby sat on the end of her bed, her bags all packed. She'd been sitting there for ages since Elizabeth had given her the all-clear.   
"I'm gonna kill John when he get's here. IF he gets here at all"  
  
Carter skipped down the corridor, ducking down as he neared Abby's room. He peeked through the window, smiling at the sight of her perched on the end of the bed - her legs swinging back and forth. She was singing to herself ..... he could see her lips moving ever so slightly.  
  
"Where the hell have ..... oh, you have GOT to be kidding"   
Abby looked on incredulously as he maneuvered a wheelchair through the door.  
"... hospital policy Abby."   
John couldn't keep the smirk off his face.  
"yeah? ... when hell freezes over. Where's my hat?"  
Abby's eyes widened as he revealed three shopping bags.  
"How many did you buy?"  
She couldn't help but giggle at how excited he was. He was definately up to something. He had that little glint in his eye. Besides, the thought of him shopping was too much.  
"I got you something"  
He waved the bags around like a parent at Christmas.   
"No wonder you took so long" she muttered as she pulled the black dress out of the bag he handed to her. She held it up, running it through her hands; a look of suprise on her face. She shifted her questioning gaze to him.  
"You like it?" he asked cheerfully sitting next to her, holding the bags between his legs.  
She looked back at the dress in her outstretched hands.  
"It's .... er ... it's lovely ... it really is .... but why.."  
He interrupted her excitedly  
"Oh, I got you these to go"  
She opened the box and lifted one of the sandals out, stiffling a giggle at how cute he looked.  
"They're perfect" she chuckled, kissing him on the cheek "... now what's going on?"  
John was truly pleased with himself, grinning from ear to ear.  
"I'm taking you out to dinner .... put them on"  
Abby let out a short laugh.  
"No way."  
"Put them on" he insisted.  
She looked at him quizically; a confused smile on her face before giving in.  
  
.....................................................................  
  
She slipped the dress over her head and as it fell into place he gasped slightly at how perfect she looked in it. The length was perfect - it stopped just above the knee. As she twirled around playfully in it he was truly lost for words in an instant.  
"Wait a second..." she stopped, looking at him slightly disappointed.  
" ... there's no way I'm going anywhere with this.."  
She lifted up a layer of hair, exposing the scar on her head and the small shaved patch.  
"But you can't even see it under your hair." he whined.  
"Yes you can .." she insisted "... can't we go out some other time?"  
He moved over to her, taking her face in his hands and kissing her.  
"Only if you leave the dress on"  
She smiled against his lips, pulling back.  
"It's a deal."  
"AND if you use the wheelchair .... just till we get in the car."  
She frowned.  
"Why?"  
"BECAUSE, it'll be fun."  
Abby smirked, shaking her head at how cute he was being.  
"Hey, what's in the other bag?"  
She noticed his eyes lit up as he picked it up.  
"Your hat" he explained matter-of-factly, playing on her curiosity.  
"Well .... can I see it?"  
He nodded slightly, lifting the hat out of the bag and holding it in the air. It made a slight tingling sound as he waved it in front of her.  
"You are NOT serious"  
He nodded soberly, moving over to Abby as she backed away - her hands covering her mouth as she giggled. He cornered her against the bed, raising his arms to put it on her head.  
"No way" she protested, pulling herself together.  
"Yes way" he contradicted, placing it over her head and stepping back.  
Abby stood there with her hands on her hips, bemused by the ridiculousness of the situation as he bent down and took out a second hat, identical to hers. He placed it on his head, straightening it slightly, checking himself out in the glass. He turned round to face her, chuckling to himself at the sight of her laughing uncontrollably.  
She couldn't believe it - the both of them, stood there with matching pink fluffy jester's hats on their heads. He shook his head causing tiny little bells sewn on to the ends of the spikes to tingle, sending Abby into another fit of giggles.  
He grabbed the wheelchair, and gestured for her to sit in it. Abby was enjoying the situation too much to refuse. She couldn't remember the last time she'd had this much fun.  
  
.....................................................................  
  
"John, stop it!"  
Abby gripped onto the side of the wheel chair as he launched out of the elevator and down the ER corridor. She was laughing uncontrollably, stopping for a second to yell "night Frank!" as he disappeared in a blur. The look on his face made her crumple into laughter again. She couldn't even imagine what they looked like - John running like a maniac, both of them wearing the ridiculous hats. They charged out of the ER doors and into the open air. Abby closed her eyes as the wind blew through her hair and filled her lungs. She tipped her head back, looking up at him. He looked so happy, a kind of wild look in his eyes.  
  
This was their break for freedom, and they both sensed it.  
  
He slumped back against the car, looking up into the evening sky, trying to catch his breath.  
"Nice car" she said, running her hand over the side.  
He looked back down at her, his eyes shining.  
"Thanks .... someone totalled the last one"  
She bit her lip, holding back a smirk.  
He didn't avert his gaze from her as they both stood for a while, just breathing.  
"You scared?" he asked tentatively.  
She smiled up at him, nodding slightly.  
"A bit .... you?"  
He brushed a strand of hair under her hat, smiling at her, feeling totally in love with her.  
"I'm only scared of losing you"  
She stared up at him. He was standing there, in that stupid fluffy hat, and she'd never been more in love with him.  
"Then promise you'll never let me go"  
He pulled her into him, wrapping his arms around her and holding her tightly.  
"I promise" he whispered.  
She closed her eyes for a second, resting her head against his shoulder. She started to laugh as the bells on their hats tingled.  
"We look so stupid" she chuckled.  
He nodded in agreement, his eyes still fixed on her, smiling.  
"Lets get out of here"  
  
.................................................................  
  
They reached the top of the stairs and paused for a second outside the door. Abby looked down over herself.  
"You look beautiful" he stated, still smiling.  
She glanced up, an amused expression on her face.  
"I think the hat clashes"  
"I told you, we have to keep them on ....just think of them as .... wedding rings"  
Her vision snapped up to him as he said this, the suprise on her face making him smile.  
He turned the key in the door, went to open it and then stopped. He could sense how many people were in there, waiting in the dark. He turned around to Abby and held his arms out. He could tell she was still flustered by his last statement.  
"What?" she asked.  
"I want to carry you"  
"No"  
"Abby ..."  
"No!"  
"Let me carry you."  
He picked her up in a swift motion, and she clung to her hat as it nearly fell off. He kicked the door open and they stumbled into the room.  
  
Abby started when the lights flew on and a sea of faces appeared from no where.  
  
"SUPRISE!"  
  
She heard a ripple of laughter as the room took in the sight of them together. She dropped to the floor self-consciously.  
Abby was speechless as person after person came up and hugged her, saying things to her that she could barely take in. Susan hugged her and squeezed her hand slightly, winking warmly and almost making her cry. Eventually, the music kicked in and people began to socialise, moving around as the sound of discussion rose.  
Abby stood rooted to the spot with the same suprised smile plastered over her face. John was doing exactly the same.  
"You are SO dead" she said through gritted teeth.  
He kept his gaze ahead as he smiled at one person after another.  
"I know" he replied in the same way.  
Abby waved at Chuny and Lydia.  
"I love you" she said, elbowing him in the side.  
"I know" he elbowed her back.   
"I want to marry you" he added matter-of-factly, still looking straight ahead.   
Abby smiled to herself and elbowed him again.  
"I know" she answered.  
  
..............................................................................  
  
T H E E N D  
  
okay, since this is THE last chapter, you ALL have to review !  
  
Hope you liked it. 


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